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Abusers exploit the psychological vulnerabilities their victim. The abused party may have low self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of self-worth, primitive defense mechanisms, phobias, mental health problems, a disability, a history of failure, or a tendency to blame herself, or to feel inadequate (autoplastic neurosis). She (or he) may have been raised in an abusive family or environment. Such upbringing condition the victim to accept and expect abuse as inevitable and "normal". In extreme and rare cases - the victim is a masochist, possessed of an urge to seek ill-treatment and pain. But, overall, there is "typical" victim of abuse - as there is no "average" abuser.
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The victim of abuse is sometimes retraumatized and re-abused by the justice system and the psychological profession: therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges
Society often chooses to ignore abuse or to pathologize the situation or the victim, rather than the perpetrator. Law enforcement authorities are loath to interfere in domestic disputes.
Though the majority of abusers are men and most victims are women -misogynistic gender stereotypes and prejudices are strong.
Therapists are influenced by the abuser's charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness. Many abusers are consummate actors and interpret events to their favor. Therapists rarely witness abuse first hand.
Te victims of abuse are, in contrast, on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.
Thus, therapists often conclude that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties are equally mutually abusive. The victim's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.
Abusers are typically diagnosed as emotionally unstable, with a history of family violence and childhood traumas, suffering from a personality disorder, an inordinately low self-esteem, or codependence with a consuming fear of abandonment.
The victim's "pathology" works against her - especially in custody battles. The abuser's "mental health problems" are considered to be a mitigating circumstance, especially in criminal proceedings.
Worse yet, therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges perceive every disagreement - for instance, with the treatment plan - as a challenge to their authority and are likely to label such behavior as "resistance" (or worse).
Thus, an abuse victim who avoids further contact with her batterer - is bound to be cast by her therapist as obstinate for declining to "constructively communicate" with her violent spouse.
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Most - though by no means all - abusers are men. Hence the language used in this section.
Abusers are ruthless, immoral, sadistic, calculated, cunning, persuasive, deceitful, and, often, appear to be invincible. They are adept at exploiting the vulnerabilities of the judicial system.
But abuse can be countered effectively. Consult an attorney, an accountant, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, where appropriate.
It is important decide whether you want to maintain a relationship with your abuser or to end it.
Things are different if you have no common children, or if they are above the age of 18.
I. If you want to stay with your abuser, try to follow these guidelines:
Don't openly, persistently, or constantly disagree with him or contradict him;
Don't insist on intimacy;
Look awed by him, his professional achievements, his good looks, his success with women, his wealth, his possessions, and by whatever else matters to him;
Don't remind him of drab and dreary life - help him preserve his sense of grandiosity;
Do not directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence;
Listen attentively to him and agree with it all;
Be patient, giving, and accommodating;
Maintain your emotional and financial independence;
Focus on prevention and fixing situations;
Help your partner become aware of his behavior, but without negativity and accusations;
Know yourself, your preferences, priorities, and emotional makeup;
Still, insist on your boundaries - resist abuse and demand predictability, proportionality, and rationality, respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities;
Never show that you are afraid and do not negotiate with bullies.
Do not hesitate to disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, and threaten back (legally).
Make your abuse known and public.
Prepare backup plans and keep others informed of your whereabouts.
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.
Abusers use proxies, third parties who may be unaware of their role. Expose him and inform them how they are being used by him.
If nothing else works, mirror his behavior and his actions and repeat his words. Strike at his vulnerabilities and susceptibilities, his secrets, and his fears.
Do everything legally, preferably through a law office and with the knowledge of local law enforcement agents.
If even these tactics fail, explicitly threaten to abandon him and condition the threat ("If you don't do something or if you do it – I will leave you").
II. If you can't take it any longer and have decided to leave him, you will find yourself, in all probability, ranged against him in court.
Your abuser is bound to find these devastating, for instance during a deposition:
Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the abuser fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party. Any description of him as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. Any hint that he is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.
Any perceived infringement of entitlement. Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest.
Make sure you are in possession of unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information.
Things are different if you have common children under the age of 18.
Participate in a treatment plan, cooperate with the system - guardians ad litem, mental health practitioners, counselors, judges, evaluators, social workers, law enforcement officers.
Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counselors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.
Do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not overtly criticize the system or disagree with it. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but never rebel against them or ignore them.
Still, do not agree to be pushed back into the abusive relationship.
Decline gratuitous contact with the abuser. Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages, even when they are forwarded by third parties ("proxies"). Return gifts he sends you. Refuse him entry to your premises.
Do not talk to him on the phone or via the house intercom. Make clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.
Do not answer his letters.
Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.
Disconnect from third parties ("proxies") who are spying on you on his behalf.
Do not discuss him with your children and do not gossip about him.
Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.
When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs - or his.
Relegate any inevitable contact with him - when and where possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.
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This section is meant to be a general guide to seeking and finding help. It does not contain addresses, contacts, and phone numbers. It is not specific to one state or country. Rather, it describes options and institutions which are common the world over. You should be the one to "fill in the blanks" and locate the relevant groups and agencies in your domicile.
Your first "fallback" option is your family. They are, in many cases (though by no means always) your natural allies. They can provide you with shelter, money, emotional support, and advice. Don't hesitate to call on them in times of need.
Your friends and, to a lesser extent, your colleagues and neighbours will usually lend you a sympathetic ear and will provide you with useful tips. Merely talking to them can not only ease the burden – but protect you from future abuse. Stalkers and paranoids thrive on secrecy and abhor public exposure.
Regrettably, resorting to the legal system – your next logical step – is bound to be a disappointing, disempowering, and invalidating experience. I wrote about it extensively in the essay "Pathologizing the Victim".
A 1997 Review Paper titled "Stalking (Part II) Victims' Problems With the Legal System and Therapeutic Considerations", Karen M. Abrams, MD, FRCPC1, Gail Erlick Robinson, MD, DPsych, FRCPC2 note:
"Law-enforcement insensitivity toward domestic violence has already been well documented. Police often feel that, as opposed to serious crimes such as murder, domestic issues are not an appropriate police responsibility; 'private' misconduct should not be subject to public intervention, and, because few cases result in successful prosecution, pursuing domestic violence complaints is ultimately futile… This sense of futility, reinforced by the media and the courts, may be transmitted to the victim.
In cases involving ex-lovers, the police may have equal difficulty in being sympathetic to the issues involved. As in the case of Ms A, society often views stalking as a normal infatuation that will eventually resolve itself or as the actions of a rejected lover or lovesick individual, more to be empathised with than censured (2). Victims often report feeling that the police and society blame them for provoking harassment or making poor choices in relationships. Authorities may have particular difficulty understanding the woman who continues to have ambivalent feelings toward the offender…
In terms of the laws themselves, there is a history of ineffectiveness in dealing with crimes of stalking (1,5). The nature of the offences themselves makes investigations and prosecution difficult, because surveillance and phone calls often have no witnesses. Barriers to victims using civil actions against stalkers include dangerous time delays and financial requirements. Temporary restraining orders or peace bonds have been used most commonly and are generally ineffective, partly because law-enforcement agencies have limited resources to enforce such measures. Even if caught, violators receive, at most, minimal jail time or minor monetary penalties. Sometimes the offender just waits out the short duration of the order. Persistent, obsessed stalkers are usually not deterred."
Still, it is crucial that you document the abuse and stalking and duly report them to the police and to your building security. If your stalker is in jail, you should report him to the wardens and to his parole officer. It is important to resort to the courts in order to obtain restraining or cease and desist orders. Keep law enforcement officers and agencies fully posted. Don't hesitate to call upon them as often as you need to. It is their job. Hire a security expert if the threat is credible or imminent.
You are well advised to rely on professional advice throughout your prolonged and arduous disentanglement from your paranoid and stalking ex. Use attorneys, accountants, private detectives, and therapists to communicate with him. Consult your lawyer (or, if you can't afford one, apply for a pro bono lawyer provided by a civic association, or your state's legal aid). Ask him or her what are your rights, what kinds of legal redress you have, what safety precautions you should adopt – and what are the do's and don't do's of your situation.
Especially important is to choose the right therapist for you and for your children. Check whether he or she has any experience with victims of stalking and with the emotional effects of constant threat and surveillance (fear, humiliation, ambivalence, helplessness, paranoid ideation). Stalking is a traumatic process and you may need intervention to ameliorate the post traumatic stress effects it wreaks.
Join online and offline groups and organisations for victims of abuse and stalking. Peer support is critical. Helping others and sharing experiences and fears with other victims is a validating and empowering as well as a useful experience. Realising that you are not alone, that you are not crazy, and that the whole situation is not your fault helps to restore your shattered self-esteem and puts things in perspective.
The social services in your area are geared to deal with battering and stalking. They likely run shelters for victims of domestic violence and abuse, for instance.
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Shelters are run, funded, and managed either by governments or by volunteer non-government organizations. According to a 1999 report published by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, there are well over 2000 groups involved in sheltering abused women and their off-spring.
Before you opt for moving with your children into a sheltered home or apartment, go through this check list.
1. It is important to make sure that the philosophy of the organizers of the shelters accords with your own. Some shelters, for instance, are run by feminist movements and strongly emphasize self-organization, co-operation, and empowerment through decision-making. Other shelters are supervised by the Church or other religious organizations and demand adherence to a religious agenda. Yet others cater to the needs of specific ethnic minorities or neighbourhoods.
2. Can you abide by the house rules? Are you a smoker? Some shelters are for non-smokers. What about boyfriends? Most shelters won't allow men on the premises. Do you require a special diet due to medical reasons? Is the shelter's kitchen equipped to deal with your needs?
3. Gather intelligence and be informed before you make your move. Talk to battered women who spent time in the shelter, to your social worker, to the organizers of the shelter. Check the local newspaper archive and visit the shelter at least twice: in daytime and at night.
4. How secure is the shelter? Does it allow visitation or any contact with your abusive spouse? Does the shelter have its own security personnel? How well is the shelter acquainted with domestic violence laws and how closely is it collaborating with courts, evaluators, and law enforcement agencies? Is recidivism among abusers tracked and discouraged? Does the shelter have a good reputation among them? You wouldn't want to live in a shelter that is shunned by the police and the judicial system.
5. How does the shelter tackle the needs of infants, young children, and adolescents? What are the services and amenities it provides? What things should you bring with you when you make your exit - and what can you count on the shelter to make available? What should you pay for and what is free of charge? How well-staffed is the shelter? Is the shelter well-organized? Are the intake forms anonymous?
6. How accessible is the shelter to public transport, schooling, and to other community services?
7. Does the shelter have a batterer intervention program or workshop and a women's support group? In other words, does it provide counselling for abusers as well as ongoing succour for their victims? Are the programs run only by volunteers (laymen peers)? Are professionals involved in any of the activities and, if so, in what capacity (consultative, supervisory)?
Additionally, does the shelter provide counselling for children, group and individual treatment modalities, education and play-therapy services, along with case management services?
Is the shelter associated with outpatient services such vocational counselling and job training, outreach to high schools and the community, court advocacy, and mental health services or referrals?
8. Most important: don't forget that shelters are a temporary solution. These are transit areas and you are fully expected to move on. Not everyone is accepted. You are likely to be interviewed at length and screened for both your personal needs and compatibility with the shelter's guidelines. Is it really a crisis situation, are your life or health at risk - or are you merely looking to "get away from it all"? Even then, expect to be placed on a waiting list. Shelters are not vacation spots. They are in the serious business of defending the vulnerable.
When you move into a shelter, you must know in advance what your final destination is. Imagine and plan your life after the shelter. Do you intend to relocate? If so, would you need financial assistance? What about the children's education and friends? can you find a job? Have everything sorted out. Only then, pack your things and leave your abuser.
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Do not leave unprepared. Study and execute every detail of your getaway. This is especially important if your partner is violent. Be sure to make a Safety Plan - how to get out of the house unnoticed and the indispensable minimum items that you should carry with you, even on a short notice.
Here are the recommendations of the Province of Alberta in Canada:
Long before you actually leave, copy all important documents and store them in a safe place. These include: identity cards, health care and social insurance or security Cards, driver's license/registration, credit cards and bank cards, other personal identification (including picture ID), birth certificate, immunization card for the children, custody order, personal chequebook, last banking statement, and mortgage papers. Make a list of all computer passwords and access codes (for instance: ATM PINs).
When you leave the house, take with you these copied documents as well as the following personal items: prescribed medication, personal hygiene products, glasses/contact lenses, money (borrow from family members, a neighbour, colleague, or friends, if you have to), several changes of clothing (don't forget night wear and underwear), heirlooms, jewellery, photo albums (pictures that you want to keep), craft, needle work, hobby work.
The situation is inevitably more complicated if you are fleeing with your children. In this case, be sure to bring with you their various medications, soother, bottles, favourite toy or blanket, and clothing (again: night wear, underwear). Older kids may carry their own clothes and school books.
Make a list of the following and have it on you at all times: addresses and phone numbers of domestic violence shelters, police stations, night courts, community social services, schools in the vicinity, major media, and address and phone and fax numbers of your lawyer and his attorneys. Secure a detailed public transportation map.
Your best bet is to apply to a shelter for a safe place to stay the first few days and nights. Read more about shelters here - Domestic Violence Shelters.
If you can afford to, your next step should be to hire a divorce attorney and file for interim custody. Your divorce papers can be served much later. Your first concern is to keep the children with you safely and legally. Your husband is likely to claim that you have kidnapped them.
But your escape should be only the tip of a long period of meticulous preparations.
We already mentioned that you should make copies of all important documents (see above). Don't escape from your predicament penniless! Secretly put aside cash for an Escape Fund. Your husband is likely to block your checking account and credit cards. Ask around where you can stay the first week. Will your family or friends accept you? Apply to a domestic violence shelter and wait to be accepted. Be sure to know where you are going!
Make extra sets of keys and documents. Bundle these up with some clothes and keep these "reserve troves" with friends and family. Put one such "trove" in a safety deposit box and give the key to someone you trust. Secure transportation for the day or night of escape. Agree on codes and signals with friends and family ("If I don't call you by 10 PM, something has gone wrong", "If I call you and say that Ron is home, call the police").
You should wait until he is gone and only then leave home. Avoid confrontation over your departure. It can end badly. Do not inform him of your plans. Make excuses to slip away in the days and months before you actually leave. Get him used to your absence.
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It is recommended to involve the police whenever possible. Report crimes as soon as you can and make sure you retain a copy of your complaint. Your abuser counts on your fear of him and on your natural propensity to keep domestic problems a secret. Expose him to scrutiny and penalties. This will make him re-consider his actions next time around.
Physical assault is a criminal offence as are rape and, in some countries, stalking and marital rape. If you have been physically or sexually assaulted, go to the nearest hospital and document your injuries. Be sure to obtain copies of the admission form, the medical evaluation report, and of any photographs and exam results (X-rays, computerized tomography-CT, biopsies, and so on).
If your abusive intimate partner verbally threatens you, your nearest and dearest, or your property or pets - this is also criminal conduct. To the best of your ability, get him on tape or make him repeat his threats in the presence of witnesses. Then promptly file a complaint with the police.
If your abuser forces you to remain indoors, in isolation, he is committing an offence. Forced confinement or imprisonment is illegal. While so incarcerated, failing to provide you with vital necessities - such as air, water, medical aid, and food - is yet another criminal act.
Damage to property rendering it inoperative or useless - is mischief. It is punishable by law. Same goes for cruelty to animals (let alone children).
If your partner swindled you out of funds or committed fraud, theft, or perjury (by falsifying your signature on a checking or credit card account, for instance) - report him to the police. Financial abuse is as pernicious as the physical variety.
In most countries, the police must respond to your complaint. They cannot just file it away or suppress it. They must talk to you and to your partner separately and obtain written and signed statements from both parties. The police officer on the scene must inform you of your legal options. The officer in charge must also furnish you with a list of domestic violence shelters and other forms of help available in your community.
If you suspect that a member of your family is being abused, the police, in most countries, can obtain a warrant permitting entry into the premises to inspect the situation. They are also authorized to help the victim relocate (leave) and to assist her in any way, including by applying on her behalf and with her consent to the courts to obtain restraining and emergency protection orders. A breach of either of these orders may be an indictable criminal offence as well as a civil offence.
If you decide to pursue the matter and if there are reasonable grounds to do so, the police will likely lay charges against the offender and accuse your partner of assault. Actually, your consent is only a matter of formality and is not strictly required. The police can charge an offender on the basis of evidence only.
If the team on the scene refuses to lay charges, you have the right to talk to a senior police officer. If you cannot sway them to act, you can lay charges yourself by going to the court house and filing with a Justice of the Peace (JP). The JP must let you lay charges. It is your inalienable right.
You cannot withdraw charges laid by the police and you most probably will be subpoenaed to testify against the abuser.
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It is recommended to involve the courts whenever possible. In many countries, the first step is to obtain a restraining order from a civil court as part of your divorce or custody proceedings or as a stand-alone measure.
In some countries, the police applies to the court for an emergency protection order on your behalf. The difference between a protection order and a restraining order is that the former is obtained following an incident of domestic violence involving injury or damage to property, it is available immediately, granted at the police's request, and issued even outside court hours.
Many restraining orders are granted ex parte, without the knowledge or presence of your abusive partner, based solely on a signed and sworn affidavit submitted by you. A typical emergency restraining order forbids the offender from visiting certain locations such as the children's schools, your workplace, or your home. It is later reviewed. At the review you should produce evidence of the abuse and witnesses. If the emergency or temporary order upheld it is fixed for a period of time at the judge's discretion.
Always carry the restraining order with you and leave copies at your place of employment and at your children's day-care and schools. You will have to show it to the police if you want to get your abuser arrested when he violates its terms. Breach of the restraining order is a criminal offence.
The wording of the order is not uniform - and it is crucial. "The police shall arrest" is not the same as "The police may arrest" the offender if he ignores the conditions set forth in the order. Don't forget to ask the court to forbid him to contact you by phone and other electronic means. Seek a new restraining order if you had moved and your place of residence or your workplace or the children's day-care or school changed.
If the abuser has visitation rights with the children, these should be specified in the order. Include a provision allowing you to deny the visit if he is intoxicated. The order can be issued against your abuser's family and friends as well if they harass and stalk you.
A restraining order is no substitute for taking precautionary measures to safeguard yourself and your children. Abusers often ignore the court's strictures and taunt you all the same. The situation can easily escalate and get out of hand. Be prepared for such unpleasant and dangerous eventualities.
Avoid empty and unlit areas, carry relevant emergency numbers with you at all times, install a personalized alarm system, wear comfortable shoes and clothes to allow you to run if attacked. Trust your senses - if you feel that you are being followed, go to a public place (restaurant, department store, cinema). Learn by rote the transit routes of all public transport around your home and workplace and make special arrangement with the cab operator nearest to you. You may also wish to consider buying a weapon or, at least, a spray can.
If you were physically or sexually assaulted or if you are being stalked or harassed, keep records of the incidents and a list of witnesses. Never hesitate to lay charges against your abuser, his family and friends. See your charges through by testifying against the offenders. Try not to withdraw the charges even if you worked out your problems. Abusers learn the hard way and a spell in jail (or even a fine) is likely to guarantee your future safety.
Based on a criminal police file, the criminal court can also force your abuser (and his family and friends if they have been harassing you) to sign a peace bond in the presence of a judge. It is a pledge of good behaviour, often requiring your abuser to stay away from your home and place of work for a period of 3-12 months. Some peace bonds forbid the abuser from carrying weapons.
Have the peace bond with you at all times and leave copies at your children's day-care and schools and at your place of employment. You will have to show it to the police if you want to get your abuser arrested when he violates its terms. Breach of the peace bond is a criminal offence.
Do not meet your abuser or speak to him while the restraining order or peace bond are in effect. The courts are likely to take a very dim view of the fact that you yourself violated the terms of these instruments of law issued for your protection and at your request.
There are many additional remedies the courts can apply. They can force your abusive partner to surrender to you households items and clothing, to grant you access to bank accounts and credit cards, to defray some costs, to pay alimony and child support, to submit to psychological counselling and evaluation, and to grant the police access to his home and workplace. Consult your family or divorce attorney as to what else can be done.
In theory, the courts are the victims' friends. The truth, however, is a lot more nuanced. If you are not represented, your chances to get protection and prevail (to have your day in court) are slim. The courts also show some institutional bias in favour of the abuser. Yet, despite these hurdles there is no substitute to getting the legal system to weigh in and restrain your abuser. Use it wisely and you will not regret it.
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