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Golden Rules for Living
If you open it, close it.
If you turn it on, turn it off.
If you unlock it, lock it up.
If you break it, admit it.
If you can't fix it, call in someone who can.
If you borrow it, return it.
If you value it, take care of it.
If you make a mess clean it up.
If you move it, put it back.
If it belongs to someone else and you want to use, get permission.
If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone.
If it's none of your business, don't ask questions.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
If it will brighten someone's day, say it.
If it will tarnish someone's reputation, keep it to yourself.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
1. The Poets and Artists
e. e. cummings:
chicken
legs moving
road
car
missed
safety
Salvador Dali: Fish.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
T.S. Eliot: (1) Do I dare to cross the road?
(2): Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: (1)It didn't cross the road; it
transcended it.
(2) Because all life is an experiment and the more experiments
you make, the better.
M. S. Escher:That depends upon the plane of reality the chicken
was on at the time.
Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
Theodore Geisell (Dr. Seuss) :
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I’ve not been told.
Mother Goose:
Mary had a little chick, its comb was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went, that chick was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, at least that's what is told.
So she became famous in her own way, as the chicken that
crossed the road.
Edward Lear: (1) There was a chicken from Rome
Who had a most beautiful comb
You must cross the road
Is what he was told
Otherwise, you will never get home.
(2) There was a chicken from Del Mar
Who decided to travel quite far
So she became quite bold
And ran across the road
And jumped on top of a passing car.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: To be bold. Deeds are better things
than words. Actions mightier than boastings.
Dorothy Parker: Chicks that cross the road. Are never served
cold.
Cole Porter: It was just one of those things: just one of
those avian flings.
Dylan Thomas: To not go gentle into that good night.
William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in
tranquility.
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
2. The Politicians
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard working
American.
George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of
headlights.
Jimmy Carter: It had lust in its heart
Bill Clinton: Did some one say Chicken McNuggets?
Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. It was
planted there by the police as part of a conspiracy to frame the
species!
Thomas E. Dewey: It was time for a change.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black
man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him
and keep him down.
Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't
stop its forward momentum.
Michel Foucault: It did so because the discourse of crossing the
road left it no choice; the police state was oppressing it.
George Gallop: Hen Party 42%; Dare 18%; Whim 12%; Business 2%;
Undecided 26%.
J. Edgar Hoover: Our investigation reveals his Red contact had
left a drop for him there..
Martin Luther King: (1) It had a dream.
(2) I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.
Rodney King: Why can't the chicken just cross the road?
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the
Establishment would let it take.
Douglas MacArthur: He promised to return.
Senator Joseph McCarthy: He was a Rhode Island Red conspiring
against the U. S. of A.
=46ox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
J. Danforth Quayle: Ite sawe ae potatoee.
Ronald Reagan: (1)I forgot.
(2) What cat?
Will Rogers, Jr.: I never met a chicken I didn't like, If he
wishes to cross, it is his right to do so.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed
himself of the opportunity.
Sununu & Kinsley:
John Sununu: I would argue that the chicken never crossed the
road at all. That it is a story concocted by the Clinton
Administration to distract attention from their failed
agriculture policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken
crossed the road? Where, Michael?
Michael Kinsley: Oh, John, come on! Everybody knows the chicken
crossed the road. What evidence do you need? It's obvious that
the chicken crossed the road. Your whole argument is just a
smoke and mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most
chickens polled now back the Democratic Party. You ought to be
ashamed of yourself, John.
Harry S. Truman: She couldn't stand the heat in the kitchen.
3. The Entertainers
P. T. Barnum: Because there is a foul born every minute.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Yoga Berra: The road's not crossed until its crossed.
Bennett Cerf: The lions on that side were more friendly; he
crossed to get to the other pride.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one to the most
astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an
herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien
pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?
Clint Eastwood: Cross. Go ahead. Make my day.
W. C. Fields: The only good chicken is a dead chicken.
Clark Gable: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my
legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.
Greta Garbo: It vanted to be alone.
Hugh Hefner: To express her sexual freedom.
Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.
Marcel Marceau: ...
Groucho Marx: (1) Chicken. You said the secret word and have won
$100.00 (2)Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I
had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost
divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
Joe Miller That was no chicken, that was my wife.
Jack Nicholson: 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the
(censored) reason.
Annie Oakley: She was doin what comes naturally.
Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!
Gene Roddenberry : To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why
doesn't anyone think to ask "What the heck was the chicken doing
walking around all over the place anyway?"
O. J. Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the
time.
Siskel & Ebert:
Siskel: I don't know why it crossed the road, but I
loved it. Thumbs up!
Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience
wondering; the chicken's crossing the road was never clearly
explained and the chicken didn't emote very well. It couldn't
even speak English! Thumbs down!
Red Skelton: He was a baaaad boy.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" but rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time
whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?"
Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
=46lip Wilson: The devil made her do it.
Henny Youngman: Take this chicken ... please.
2. The Scientists
Andre Ampere: To keep up with current events.
Archimedes: She was buoyant and excited at the thought of New adventures.
Alexander Graham Bell: To get to the nearest phone.
Robert Boyle: She had been under too much pressure at home.
Marie Curie: She was radiating with enthusiasm as she crossed the road.
Charles Darwin: (1) It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
(2): Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
dispositioned to cross roads.
C. J. Doppler: For its effect on passer bys.
Thomas Edison: She thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Albert Einstein: (1) Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
(2) It was a relatively easy thing to do.
Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken hole principle. .
Jean Foulcault: It didn't. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.
Karl Gauss: Because of the magnetic personality of the rooster on the other side.
Werner Heisenberg: (1) We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
(2) It was uncertain if it could make it, but wanted to try on general principles.
Gustav Hertz: Lately, its been crossing with greater frequency.
Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.
Friedrich Mesmer: It had been suggested when she was under hypnosis.
Samuel Morse: She had an appointment. She wanted to be there on the dot so she had to dash.
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Georg Ohm: She resisted the idea at first.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.
Linus Pauling: To get some Vitamin C.
George Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures.
Erwin Shrodinger: She had to get to the farm, or did she?
Alessandro Volta: There was a potential difference in her future on the other side.
James Watt: It thought it would be a good way to let off steam.
Sent in by Sally who says its from the book Chicken Soup for the Soul:
Love And The Cabbie
By Art Buchwald
I was in New York the other day and rode with a friend in a
taxi. When we got out, my friend said to the driver, "Thank you
for the ride. You did a superb job of driving."
The taxi driver was stunned for a second. Then he said,
"Are you a wise guy or something?"
"No, my dear man, and I'm not putting you on. I admire the way
you keep cool in heavy traffic."
"Yeah," the driver said and drove off.
"What was that all about?" I asked.
I am trying to bring love back to New York," he said. "I believe
it's the only thing that can save the city."
"How can one man save New York?"
"It's not one man. I believe I have made that taxi driver's day.
Suppose he has 20 fares. He's going to be nice to those 20 fares
because someone was nice to him. Those fares in turn will be
kinder to their employees or shopkeepers or waiters or even their
own families. Eventually the goodwill could spread to at least
1,000 people. Now that isn't bad, is it?"
"But you're depending on that taxi driver to pass your goodwill
to others."
"I'm not depending on it," my friend said. "I'm aware that the
system isn't foolproof so I might deal with ten different people
today. If out of ten I can make three happy, then eventually I
can indirectly influence the attitudes of 3,000 more."
"It sounds good on paper," I admitted, "but I'm not sure it
words in practice."
"Nothing is lost if it doesn't. It didn't take any of my time
to tell that man he was doing a good job. He neither received a
larger tip nor a smaller tip. If it fell on deaf ears, so what?
Tomorrow there will be another taxi driver I can try to make happy."
"You're some kind of a nut," I said.
"That shows how cynical you have become. I have made a study of
this. The thing that seems to be lacking, besides money of course,
for our postal employees, is that no one tells people who work for
the post office what a good job they're doing."
"But they're not doing a good job."
"They're not doing a good job because they feel no one cares if
they do or not. Why shouldn't someone say a kind word to them?"
We were walking past a structure in the process of being built
and passed five workmen eating their lunch. My friend stopped.
"That's a magnificent job you men have done. It must be difficult
and dangerous work."
The workmen eyed my friend suspiciously.
"When will it be finished?"
"June, a man grunted.
"Ah. That really is impressive. You must all be very proud."
We walked away. I said to him, "I haven't seen anyone like you
since The Man From LaMancha."
"When those men digest my words, they will feel better for it.
Somehow the city will benefit from their happiness."
"But you can't do this all alone!" I protested. "You're just
one man."
"The most important thing is not to get discouraged. Making
people in the city become kind again is not an easy job, but if
I can enlist other people in my campaign. . ."
You just winked at a very plain looking woman," I said.
"Yes, I know," he replied. "And if she's a schoolteacher, her
class will be in for a fantastic day."
COMMENTS ON LIFE
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends, if they're ok, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open book exam, you will forget your book.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
COMMENTS ON BUSINESS
Joseph Guillotine I can give your company a head start on the competition.
Hamlet My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
Lucretia Borgia My greatest accomplishment? after I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight
one by one.
Pandora I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
Genghis Khan My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several
countries.
Macbeth Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion.?
-- JOHN LENNON QUOTES AND SONGS --
"Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans"
- John Lennon (Beautiful Boy)
"Those in the cheaper seats clap. The rest of you rattle your jewelry."
-- John Lennon, 1963 (Royal Variety Performance)
"If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set,
then there'd be peace." - John Lennon
"If The Beatles or the 60's had a message, it was 'Learn to swim.'
And once you've learned - swim!" - John Lennon
"Living is easy with your eyes closed..." - John Lennon
"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in
fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your
mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as
the here and now?
Reality leaves a lot to the imagination." - John Lennon
"The pressures of being a parent are equal to any pressure on earth.
To be a conscious parent, and really look to that little being's
mental and physical health is a responsibility which most of us,
including me, avoid most of the time, because it's too hard...To
put it loosely, the reason why kids are crazy is because nobody
can face the responsibility of bringing them up..." - John Lennon
"I'm going into an unknown future, and where there's life there's hope."
-Approx. 5 hours before he was killed
Imagine
Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...
Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
Written by: John Lennon
=A9 Bag productions inc.
Editors Note:
"I leave you as I found you -- only some time later."
-- John Lennon
Hmm, I can't stop now. Here's something else of John Lennon's that
I have been known to hum (and sing) this time of year..
Merry Xmas (WAR IS OVER)
(Happy Xmas Kyoko
Happy Xmas Julian)
So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Xmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Xmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Xmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over, if you want it
War is over now
Happy Xmas
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance...
Written by: John Lennon
"On behalf of the group and myself, I'd like to say thank you,
and I hope we passed the audition." - John Lennon
ALL THE ANSWERS
The answers contained here will not make you rich. Nor will they
assist you in your pursuit of fame, fortune, or happiness. They
won't help you get attractive dates, stop you from going bald,
show you how to make a million from real estate you don't own, or
tell you how to give yourseventy-three-year-old skin a youthful
glow. These are answers for you to use at your discretion in everyday
circumstances. They are about relationships, belief systems, romance
(or lack thereof), and ultimately death. These are answers of all
pedigrees, short and long, good and bad, polite and rude, covering
every subject in the everyday language of everyday people. The only
things missing are the questions.
1. Trust me. I do this all the time.
2. I'm just not ready to make a commitment
3. No.
4 .NO!
5. No, there's nothing wrong with my pancreas. Why do you ask?
6. Unleaded.
7. If I HAD three pennies, I would have given them to you.
8. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
9. I have a high metabolism.
10. Forty-Two, maybe fifty.
11. I was absent that day.
12. But if I tie it looser, that'll defeat the purpose.
13. I'm not authorized to release that information.
14. If the Clorox doesn't get it, try a mixture of
lemon juice and muriatic acid.
15. Define love.
16. You'll break your mother's heart.
17. I had it done when I was in boot camp.
18. When hell freezes over.
19. Because the world would be a lot better off it things
were done my way all the time.
20. I mailed it yesterday. It should be there by the end of the week.
21. I ran out of stamps.
22. No, honestly. I can't taste the freezer burn.
23. To make as much money as humanly possible as quickly as
possible while expending the least amount of effort.
24. You know what, you're right, we should try it your way.
25. I love you.
26. The heck with it, let's go out.
27. If they can do it, so can you.
28. Aw c'mon just try!
29. Who cares about the money?
30. Maybe in your next lifetime.
31. Noise, what noise. Hey, would ya pull my finger..
32. It's behind door Number Two.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HEY !!! Cheer up...
* The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
* They say the house didn't float very far at all.
* We're all amazed that you go on living each day.
* Well, at least the operation was a partial success.
* The "National Enquirer" just loved those nude shots
of you.
* The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.
* With the lights dimmed, it looks almost normal.
* The District Attorney says he only has a few more
questions.
* At least the passenger side air bag inflated.
* Jenny Jones wants you for this "secret admirer show".
* The reward for your capture has reached fifty
thousand dollars.
* At least we never thought you were guilty like that
Jury did.
* The insurance pays the full book value ($ 312) for your
1956 T Bird.
* The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
* Those Grand Juries always over react. Don't worry about it.
* Lots of guys face multiple paternity suits.
* The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your
work personally.
The 10 Rules and Regulations to join the Burnout Club
1. Be a perfectionist, never accept anything that is less than perfect...especially in yourself.
2. Always eat "fast foods", candy bars and caffeinated beverages for that quick energy you need to "stay ahead".
3. Work at least 10 hours a day and as many holidays and weekends as possible.
4. Assume responsibility for solving the problems of all your friends, co-workers and family.
5. Try not to delegate any responsibilities. However, if you must, be sure to micro-manage the project.
6. Never "waste time" relaxing (in case you forgot i.e. contemplating by the fire or taking a bubble bath).
7. Never say "no" as this may not please all the people all of the time. Remember to put everyone else's needs before yours.
8. Never "waste time" exercising.
9. Never take time off for yourself...rarely take a vacation...and when you do, be sure to feel as guilty as possible.
10. Get emotionally involved in everything you do.
>>>>>>>> MARKETING MISHAPS <<<<<<<<<<
>From "American Demographics" magazine:
Here's a look at how shrewd American business people translate their
slogans into foreign languages:
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery,
"Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was
read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a
tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes
a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the german market, they
were chagrined to learn that the german pronunciation of "v" is f - which
in german is the gutteral equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product,
only to learn that "Puff" in german is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.
The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly
derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries.
"No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back,
they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty
literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings
Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something
that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that
the characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole." They later changed to
a set of characters that mean "Happiness in the mouth."
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling
iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not
too many people had use for the manure stick.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later
they found out that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the
label of what's inside since most people can't read.
More from other sources:
U.S. cosmetics firm Clinique pulls a print ad for its Elixir perfume after
Thailand's government (the foreign ministry) sent a letter of protest to
the company complaining the ad was "an insult" to Buddhists. The perfume
ad, which ran in Vogue and other U.S. fashion magazines, depicts a snake
crawling over the head of an image of the lord Buddha (note: in Thailand,
the head is the most revered part of the body). Clinique has reportedly
pulled the ad and sent a letter of apology to the Thai ambassador in
Washington, in which it expressed "shock to hear about the possible negative
perceptions that would be put on this picture." Interestingly, the ad
campaign ran only in the USA and caused global problems.
How about a Scandavadian Company calling their toilet paper CRAPP (In the
British Environment - well?)
UK based machine company introducing a new model of what is referred to in
the US as a drill press gave it the UK designation . . . "screwing machine".
Here's one from Finland, Canon (I'm not sure about the brand) has a camera
called EOS. Finns that are in marketing research use 'EOS' as an acronym
for 'I cannot say' or 'I don't know', in finnish 'en osaa sanoa'.
'Irish Mist' Irish whiskey marketed in Germany, where Mist is an
alternative word for manure.
Toyota MR2 marketed in France where it is pronounced "emm err deux",
which is a near homonym for "emmerde", which means dung (manure).
It is now marketed as simply MR.
Brand confusion: Durex is the best selling brand of condoms in the UK
and a popular brand of adhesive tape in Australia. Watch out for
confused Aussies in England and vice versa.
PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or
find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion
to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve
from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for
new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve
from my obligations.
6. I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first
step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about
forever.
And for those that would like to make changes,
Marti offers a way to do it:
Just for Today
Kenneth L. Holmes
Just for today, I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle my whole life problem
at once. I can do something for twelve hours
that would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today, I will be happy. This assumes to
be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that
"most folks are as happy as they make up
their minds to be."
Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind.
I will study. I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer. I will read
something that requires effort, thought and
concentration.
Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own
desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes,
and fit myself to it.
Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three
ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and
not get found out. I will do at least two
things I don't want to just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are
hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not
show it
Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look
as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low,
act courteously, criticize not one bit, not
find fault with anything and not try to improve
or regulate anybody except myself.
Just for today, I will have a program. I may not
follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will
save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all
by myself, and relax. During this half hour,
sometime, I will try to get a better perspective
of my life.
Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I
will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful,
and to believe that as I give to the world, so
the world will give to me.
An assortment from the David and VA collection:
I BEG YOUR PARDON
A woman went to the state Governor about getting her husband
out of the penitentiary.
"What is he in for?" asked the Governor.
"For stealing a ham."
"That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?"
"No, I wouldn't say that. He's pretty lazy."
"Oh... well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he?"
"No, he's not. He's pretty mean to us, if you want to know
the truth."
"Why would you want a man like that out of prison?"
"Well, Governor, we're out of ham."
WHAT WILL YOU DO ONCE YOU'RE RELEASED?
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital,
is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to
reenter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of
his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended
for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once
you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went
to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field,
good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write
a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like
to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a
book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to
college and study art history, which I've grown interested in
lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing
possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time,
I can go on being a teapot."
ASSORTED WISDOM:
- The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier
to live with..
- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
- Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check
3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
- Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
- A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
- It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
- If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
- The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.
- Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
- The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because
the average man can see better than he can think.
- Paranoids are people, too;they have their own problems.It's easy
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make
you feel happy to be on your way.
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence
on society.
- Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where
you left them to where you can't find them.
- Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan
will not be evenly distributed.
Alan sends thoughts on Women and Men:
The Difference
Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell us
how wonderful we are. Women have their faults. Men have only two:
Everything they say; Everything they do. A successful man is one who
makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is
one who can find such a man.
The Style
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate during the night. When women are depressed,
they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole
different way of thinking. A man is a person who will pay two dollars
for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a
two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
Love
Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more
subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance. The only
way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary
to understand her. To women, love is an occupation. To men, a
preoccupation. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot
and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious.
Both are disappointed. A woman worries about the future until she gets
a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted
to marry her; a man, of the woman who he didn't. There are two times
when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after
marriage.
Husbands
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to
let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have
it. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two
people remembering the same thing.
Wives
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
Heidi Wilson offers an old clipping:
>From Dear Abby Dec 12, 1984:
Dear Readers: If You can use a few good laughs
today, try these quotes:
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe."
-Jackie Mason
"Your manuscript is both good and original. But
the part that is good is
not original, and the part that is original is not
good." -Samuel Johnson
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After
that, he is finished." -Zsa
Zsa Gabor
"A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't
drive the car." -Kenneth
Tynan
"France is a country where the money falls apart
but you can't tear the toilet paper"
Ldcarr sends this classic:
Heavenly Entrance Exam
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are
closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place
is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam
for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass
before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was
looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams
Shore hope the test ain't too hard;life was a big enough test as it was
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has
only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin
with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over .Forrest returns the
next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam
questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin
with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and
Tomorrow.
The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not
what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I
didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the
next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could
you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February
second, March second......."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it.
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in
mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question." says Saint Peter, "Can
you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows
it. It's Howard."
"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"
Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest:
"Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Todays thoughts are on Attitude!
>From Chicken Soup For Soul: Home Delivery list
Total Support!
By Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen
from A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Our friend H. Stephen Glenn is one of the most affirming,
empowering individuals we have ever met. He instantly inspires us
to always look for the positive.
Stephen was at his grandson's tee ball game a while back. A
little boy came up to bat. He swatted the ball off the tee and
ran as fast as he could to third base. The coach went up to the
little boy and said "Boy, you sure hit that ball a long way."
The little boy said, "I did?"
"Yeah, and you ran really fast to third base and surprised
the heck out of everybody!"
"I did?" he asked.
"Yes, you did. I have one question to ask you before you
come to the dugout to watch the rest of the inning," the coach
said to the boy. "When you made the decision to run to third base
instead of first, what were you thinking of?"
The boy replied, "Well, everybody that was running to first
was getting put out."
The coach took the boy to the dugout to talk to him. "Last
time you made the choice of running to third base instead of
first, surprised everybody, and made it, but you didn't get a
chance to score. Now you've got the same choice again. You can
choose to run to third and probably make it okay but you won't
get to score, or you can take the risk of running to first base.
You may get put out, but if you make it you get a chance to
score. But, whatever you decide, I want you to know we're right
there behind you."
from Success On Line List:
Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales
reps out to different parts of the Australian outback to see
if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines.
Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents.
The first said, "No business here . . . natives don't wear shoes."
The second one said, "Great opportunity here . . . natives
don't wear shoes!"
from "If You Want the Rainbow, You Gotta Put up with the Rain"
by John M. Capozzi (Publisher: JMC Industries, Inc.)
Editors Note: Here's hoping you have a great day! Quoting
Erma Bombeck: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FUNNY SIGNS FOUND ON REAL BUISNESSES
Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you
on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a
vegetarian except the dog.
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your
feet - miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: "Help!" We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.
Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and
the 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and
get fed up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.
A Skier's Dictionary
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted
request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain.
An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly
frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard,
Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially
serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the
skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers,
and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected
from serious injury.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however:
TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing
accident.
Cross Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all terrain
snow travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the
purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't
skiing. See Cross Country Something Or Other.
Cross Country Something or Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic
wilderness, gliding through snow hushed woods far from the hubbub of
the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis
slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping
into the puffy powder of a deep, wind sculped drift.
Exercises: A few simple warm ups to make sure you're prepared for the
slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a
flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second story window ledge
with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your
legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding
a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict
circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity;
they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting
any dampness within to escape.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak
force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which
produces dead batteries in expensive ski resort parking lots. See
Inertia.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or
speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with
these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass
falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter
one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created
nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to
encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets
an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just
ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just
before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a
prescream and a few pregroans.
Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from
the strained ankle begins.
Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!"
which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a
little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be
quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"
Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
21 Ways to Survive Even the Dullest of Sermons
Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she
plays requests
See if a yawn really is contagious
Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek.
If not, raise your hand and tell the priest
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using
the stairs
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A'
then 'B and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck
on 'Q' unless your preacher is preaching against homosexuality.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the
pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with
10 points for every marble that made it to the front
Using church notice sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials,
design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way
to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on
your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing
bubbles.
Pretend to be 4 years old
Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone
By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn
your shirt inside out.
Try to raise one eyebrow
Crack your knuckles
Think about your chin for an entire minute
Twiddle your thumbs
Twiddle your neighbours thumbs
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice
Practice smiling insincerely
Sent in by Steve Sanderson:
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our
papers. We are the President."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"
-Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image.
Therefore, I have to beat somebody."
- Former U.S. President Richard M. Nixon
"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the
environment. This is a good planet."
-"Mr. New Jersey" contestant when asked what he would do
with a million dollars.
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up
to real money."
-Former U.S. Senator Everett Dirksen
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind."
-General William Westmoreland
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter
will be cut right out from under your feet."
-Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken.
Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.
One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I
already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
--Yakov Smirnoff
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
--Bill Maher
Sent by: David & Virginia:
A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best
I've ever had", he says. "It cost $3,000." His friend asks,
"What kind is it?" He says, "Half past four!"
A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier
after having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of
Beverly Hills most exclusive restaurants.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an
absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it
on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers,
"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday.
You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has
cleared the bank."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in
here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy,
"to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Sent by William Conway:
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines , surly
clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor
vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.
I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then
apologizing for my rudeness, I explained,"I've spent the afternoon
at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you
going right back there?"
Sent by Mike Craymer:
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning
the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured
only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Sent in by Fred:
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a
fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd
in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet
the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband
pretty upset."
A true story:
A British family journeyed to Scotland for a summer
vacation. The mother and father were looking forward to enjoying
the beautiful Scottish countryside with their young son. But one
day the son wandered off all by himself and got into trouble. As
he walked through the woods, he came across an abandoned swimming
hole, and as most boys his age do, he took off his clothes and
jumped in. He was totally unprepared for what happened next.
Before he had time to enjoy the pool of water, he was seized by a
vicious attack of cramps. He began calling for help while
fighting a losing battle with the cramps to stay afloat.
Luckily, it happened that in a nearby field a farm boy was
working. When he heard the frantic cries for help, he brought the
English boy to safety. The father whose son had been rescued was
of course very grateful. The next day, he went to meet the youth
who had saved his son's life. As the two talked, the Englishman
asked the brave lad what he planned to do with his future. The
boy answered, "Oh I suppose I'll be a farmer like my father." The
grateful father said, "Is there something else you'd rather do?"
"Oh, yes!" answered the Scottish lad. "I've always wanted to be a
doctor. But we are poor people and could never afford to pay for
my education." "Never mind that," said the Englishman. "You shall
have your heart's desire and study medicine. Make your plans, and
I'll take care of the costs." So, the Scottish lad did indeed
become a doctor.
There is more. Some years later, in December of 1943,
Winston Churchill became very ill with pneumonia while in North
Africa. Word was sent to Sir Alexander Fleming, who had
discovered the new wonder drug, penicillin, to come immediately.
Flying in from England, Dr. Fleming administered his new drug to
the ailing prime minister. In doing so, he saved Churchill's life
for the second time. For it was the boy Winston Churchill whom
Alexander Fleming had rescued from the swimming hole so many
years before.
By From The Speakers Library of Business
from A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul (c) 1996
Viki Robinson sends:
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to
shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran
as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge
of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing
in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his
arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some
'religion!'"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few
feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and
glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up
into the sky and said,
"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
Alison offers an assortment of thoughts:
I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
Bad Cop! No donut!
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains
so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
PHORISMS FOR THE 90'S....
* All that glitters is not...necessarily something you want
your daughter sticking through a hole in her nose.
* A penny saved is...something you could've invested in the
biggest bull market in history, if only you hadn't
listened to your brother in law.
* The early bird catches...heat from the union.
* If you can't stand the heat...hire an assistant.
* The squeaky wheel...got to be lead singer in my son's
rock group.
* It's always darkest just before...you try to find your seat
in a movie theater.
PUNNY BUSINESS.....
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
"Sects! Sects! Sects!" said the first monk to the second.
"Is that all you think about?"
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats,
and the police didn't have anything to go on.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Egotist: One who is me deep in conversation.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard
tines?
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
A Question of Memory
Neighbor: Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of
that memory course you liked so much?
Ed: Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute...
What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells
so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?
Neighbor: You mean a rose?
Ed: Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what
was the memory course instructor's name?
A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately
called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we
returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff
I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4 letter words...
You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!"
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4 letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too
awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset...
Tell mother the 4 letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like:
DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK
A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to
repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to
discover that the woman was quite beautiful and during
the course of the afternoon the two became extremely
friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the
bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said,
putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is
going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear,
and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief.
"What? On my own time??"
And now some trivia:
The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
Building is an American flag.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver
or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial
on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
There are only
|
|
-- Things Your Mom Would Never Say To You --
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look
more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad
to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for.
It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound
to improve"
-- Things Moms and Dads Have Said --
These are actual excuse notes teachers have
received, spelling mistakes included.
- My son is under a doctor's care and should not
take P.E. today. Please execute him.
- Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was
sick and I had her shot.
- Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
- Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
- Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
- John has been absent because he had two
teeth taken out of his face.
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was
playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
- Megan could not come to school today because
she has been bothered by very close veins.
- Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre
in his side.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has
very loose vowels.
- Please excuse Tommy for being absent
yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
- Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
- I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
- Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when
we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.
We have to attend her funeral.
- My daughter was absent yesterday because she
was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
- Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had
a cold and could not breed well.
- Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.
- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
- Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you
mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers.
It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and
likewise yours and theirs.
Oxford University Press, Edpress News
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break
your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're
going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll
never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I
know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk
to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't
come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never
grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."
And my all time favorite thing JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn
out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
"We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
Sparky
From Bits & Pieces
from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul (c) 1997
For Sparky, school was all but impossible. He failed
every subject in the eighth grade. He flunked physics in
high school, getting a grade of zero. Sparky also flunked
Latin, algebra and English. He didn't do much better in
sports. Although he did manage to make the school's golf
team, he promptly lost the only important match of the
season. There was a consolation match; he lost that, too.
Throughout his youth Sparky was awkward socially. He
was not actually disliked by the other students; no one
cared that much. He was astonished if a classmate ever said
hello to him outside of school hours. There's no way to
tell how he might have done at dating. Sparky never once
asked a girl to go out in high school. He was too afraid of
being turned down.
Sparky was a loser. He, his classmates...everyone knew
it. So he rolled with it. Sparky had made up his mind
early in life that if things were meant to work out, they
would. Otherwise he would content himself with what
appeared to be his inevitable mediocrity.
However, one thing was important to Sparky - drawing.
He was proud of his artwork. Of course, no one else
appreciated it. In his senior year of high school, he
submitted some cartoons to the editors of the yearbook. The
cartoons were turned down. Despite this particular
rejection, Sparky was so convinced of his ability that he
decided to become a professional artist.
After completing high school, he wrote a letter to Walt
Disney Studios. He was told to send some samples of his
artwork, and the subject for a cartoon was suggested.
Sparky drew the proposed cartoon. He spent a great deal of
time on it and on all the other drawings he submitted.
Finally, the reply came from Disney Studios. He had been
rejected once again. Another loss for the loser.
So Sparky decided to write his own autobiography in
cartoons. He described his childhood self - a little boy
loser and chronic underachiever. The cartoon character
would soon become famous worldwide. For Sparky, the boy who
had such a lack of success in school and whose work was
rejected again and again, was Charles Schultz. He created
the "Peanuts" comic strip and the little cartoon character
whose kite would never fly and who never succeeded in
kicking a football, Charlie Brown.
LOVE, n.
**********
[1] man's grand delusion that one woman differs from another;
[2] a sea of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses;
[3] what Plato described as "a grave mental disease";
[4] something they say is blind; it's marriage which is the real
eye opener;
[5] that emotion which is not true until returned;
[6] that delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and
discovering that she looks like a haddock {John Barrymore};
[6] what we have in common with the residents of all third-world
countries;
[7] is like measles; much worse when it comes late in life;
[8] the most slippery word in the human language; used by knaves
to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate
the female of the species;
[9] the only fire for which there is no insurance;
[10] an emotion, even if unreturned, has its rainbow;
[11] the crocodile in the river of desire {Bhartrihari c. 625};
[12] the only game that two can play and both win;
[13] the last and most serious of the childhood diseases;
[14] what makes marriage possible; habit makes it last;
[15] is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise;
[16] a disease like measles, we all have to go through it;
[17] a temporary insanity curable by marriage or the removing of
the patient from the influences under which he or she incurred
the disorder;
[18] the only game that is never called on account of darkness;
[19] the tie that blinds;
[20] consists of happiness, given back and forth;
[21] the only thing that has changed over the millions of years
of playing this game is that trumps have changed from clubs
to diamonds;
[22] that which makes the world revolve;
[23] is really just being stupid together;
[24] a situation which happens when you think almost as much of
another as you do of yourself;
[26] is a fan club with only two members;
[27] the only virtue that can be divided endlessly and still not
be diminished;
[28] the triumph of imagination over intelligence;
[29] the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion;
[30] a strange feeling that comes over a man; when he keeps
wanting to call a girl by his last name;
[31] is like war; simple to begin but the devil to stop;
[32] is like the action similar to an hourglass: the heart fills
as the brain empties;
[33] something which creates a religion that worships two
fallible gods;
[34] a word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the
habituation of the middle aged, and the mutual dependence
of the old;
[35] a situation; when it is true, does not mean gazing into each
other's eyes, but looking outward together in the
same direction as life beckons;
[36] something which combines the two greatest powers on earth;
war and peace;
[37] the balm that heals the wounds that words make.
Having her hair done at a West Hempstead, NY, beauty parlor, a Woman
told a cautionary tale about racial prejudice. The story deserves a
wider audience.
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, the woman related, she won a
bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the
slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But
first she would stash the quarters in her room. I'll be right back
and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the
coin laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the
elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of
them was big... Very big... An intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob
me.
Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly
nice gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully black. But racial
stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered,
ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but knew they surely
did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too
obvious. Her face burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a
mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and
followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye
contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as
they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then
another. The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she
thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one
of the men said, "Hit the floor."
Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters
flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator
carpet.
A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me,
she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say
politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to,
we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men, the
average sized one, told her, "I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.
He spoke genially.
He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not
laughing.
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was
too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but
words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable
gentlemen for behaving as though they were robbing you? She didn't
know. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on
walking her to her room.
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she
might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her good
evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing
while they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room ~ a dozen roses.
Attached to each rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. A card
said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was
signed,
Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard.
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter
had done all the work on his house.
"You did a great job." he said and handed the man a
check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra
$80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that nite, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked,
"What's the matter, did you forget something ?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your
missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
****************************************************************************
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute,
then gasped: "Didn't you get my E mail?"
*********************************************************************
New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard core exercise and weight lifting fanatics who
look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps over everything and then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the
employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea
generators running.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in
a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see
what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one
of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single
Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short lived first marriage that ends in divorce
with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out
and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered
useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive
use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation
from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest
were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed
material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from
one's workplace.
Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing
it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal
employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient
person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek
around here.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb
success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than
working hard.
Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first
we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of
planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD job: A "Get Out Of Debt" job. A well paying job people
take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon
as they are solvent again.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are
annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The
O.J. trials were a prime example.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of
an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of
a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have
reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial
our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also
Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach
all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the
warm re boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously
pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and
the Power On key.
************************************************
"How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?"
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something
of it?
DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand
of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting
perhaps a fluorescent bulb.
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince
them that the burned out bulb is useless and should be
thrown away.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets
done they just keep arguing about who is supposed to
do it and how it's supposed to be done!
BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to
do it.
POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although
sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in
to do the job for them while they're out.
PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No on second thought,
make that two. Is that OK with you?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is
young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're
inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb?
CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
SHIBA INU: Zero! Shibas aren't afraid of the dark!
SCHIPPERKE: It's your light bulb change it yourself.
Unless..... Is there food involved??
POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.
BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?
WEIMARANER: What?? Light bulb? You want ME to
change a LIGHT BULB?
LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can
sleep.
BASENJI: LIGHT BULB? We don't change no
stinking light bulbs!
MALAMUTE: Let *him* do it. You can pet me while
he's busy.
BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough
to quit falling off the chair.......
AMERICAN BULLDOG:
One. JUMP, remove bulb, land. JUMP, replace bulb, land.
Two: What light bulb, So? We can play in the dark.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light
bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis
ball, or Frisbee and then I want to lick your face and
rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad
eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself you
didn't have to do that but I looooove you so much for
being my friend and doing that."
DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.
ROTTWEILER: I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the
old one.
CORGI: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
SPRINGER: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate
was a light bulb?
STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it,
look up and point it out then go lie down in disgust that
it took so long.
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house
while he's at it.
WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it
made of, what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it.
I might change it, but let me think about it. You're not
trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a
great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb!
GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to
chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food
and take a nap. I'll add the light bulb to my "To Do" list...."
DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat......
no, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I'll do it.........
No, not that treat, the other kind. Geez.......... do I have to do
everything? (of course, followed by "the look".)
IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really
dim bulb.
PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb.
Now, let go of old light bulb........ I said LET GO OF LIGHT
BULB! Please???? Let go of the light bulb?????? Let go?
GOOD OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: Huh????
***************************************************************************
TRANSLATING MANAGEMENT SPEAK
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree."
TRANSLATION: "I disagree."
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you.
TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility.
TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity.
TRANSLATION: You have a problem.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
TRANSLATION: This is awful.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world.
TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand.
TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't
think you do either.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.
TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture.
TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject.
There is no room for discussion. But if you do
want to discuss it further, my door is always open.
TRANSLATION: &%^$ you.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I appreciate your contribution.
TRANSLATION: @#%* you!
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e mail you said you
sent. Can you give me a quick summary?
TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e mail
program.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue
in desktop computing.
TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources.
TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor.
TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold.
TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer.
TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive.
TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy in on this.
TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this
project.
TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision.
TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats.
TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't
work.
TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no brainer.
TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that.
TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased
answer.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your
proposal.
TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something
this stupid.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake.
TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the
facts.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you.
TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the
future we shall do something completely different.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value added.
TRANSLATION: Expensive.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources.
TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast
majority of employees.
TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.
***************************************************
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
HE SAID:
Q: Why are brides dressed in white?
A: So they match the rest of the appliances.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two
girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother in law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he
wants provided that his mother in law gets double. The man thinks for
a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half
to death."
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son,
I'm still paying for it."
A couple was having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house
wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your
money, I wouldn't be here."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he
motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know
what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got
fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were
there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house,
you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by
my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say
to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He
thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he
and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife,
"Pass the bacon, Pig."
A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your
bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks,
"Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "Pack'em
all, you're leaving!"
SHE SAID:
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
You can fool some of the people all of the time.
They're called "men".
THEY SAID:
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be
late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.
Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman
speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen.
Love is blind .. Marriage is an institution for the blind.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
parachute.
********************************************************
Quips from Here and There
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
I intend to live forever so far, so good.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
The colder the X ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse it'll be a great trade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
And for all you telepathics out there......
***************************************************************************
In a university commencement address several years ago, Brian Dyson,
CEO of Coca Cola Enterprises, spoke of the relation of work to one's
other commitments:
"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in
the air. You name them work, family, health, friends and spirit and
you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that
work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the
other four balls family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass.
If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked,
nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You
must understand that and strive for balance in your life.
How?
Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is
because we are different that each of us is special.
Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you
know what is best for you.
Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to
them as they would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past
or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live
ALL the days of your life.
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is
really over until the moment you stop trying. Don't be afraid to
admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that
binds us to each together.
Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we
learn how to be brave.
Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give it; the fastest way to
lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love
is to give it wings.
Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've
been, but also where you are going.
Don't forget, a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you
can always carry easily.
Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a Mystery and Today is a gift:
that's why we call it 'The Present.'"
***************************************************************************
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isnt looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all thise and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Rubin sends:
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's
crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the
sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions:
disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused,
with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts." she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a
crib like that for only $46.50!"
John Hedtke says:
This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was
satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good
nature, and would steal his parking spot.
This continued until he put up the following effective sign:
This parking space belongs to the Wizard. Violators will be toad.
Chris Coulter quips:
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife
fell off.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside
down, on a Jeep)
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like
Jabba the Hut??
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Boldly going nowhere
Cat: The other white meat
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
David and Virginia tell:
A woman decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She
said she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated,
and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.
"Why Bloomingdales?" asked the husband.
"Then I'll be sure our kids visit me at least twice a week."
Good for a happy groan or two retell it with umph!:
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car
accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6
months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer
pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl.
Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an
idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew. "
HOW TO SCREW UP AN INTERVIEW
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those
interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't
fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we
knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go
light years beyond this.
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music
at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office
a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel
executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a
hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the
ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by
having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering
specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap
dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went
through my purse, took out a brush, brushed *his* hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of
me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out
a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping
longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's
brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to
leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his
wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When
do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not
interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly
responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but
later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a
higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents
spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and
perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the
unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my
desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and
wanted my phone number. I called security,"
.....and then there was a guy named rubin, who spit-shined his shoes
during an interview... He Was Hired...because neatness counts.
Caller: "Can you give me the number for a knitwear company in Woven?"
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label 'Woven in Scotland'!!"
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
person behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the
driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the driver yelled back, "SCARF!"
Unverified Tidbits (use them during conversational lulls)
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in
every five must be straight. These straight sections are
usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat
can sail under a train driving under a car driving under
an airplane.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have
about ten.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose
and ears never stop growing.
David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star
Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that
he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until
he saw the screening of the movie.
Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39 23 33.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to
have a full moon.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a
McDonalds.
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many
bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s,
the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring
separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches
for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every
Dewey decimal category.
Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York
City, after the Catholic Church.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run
Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and
about a gallon to clean the pot.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the
child reaches 2 6 years of age.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest
point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you
have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in
coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all
of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium
has ever won a Superbowl
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To
Beaver".
In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt
down but only 6 people were injured
Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton
growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers they saw
it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is
nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the
day after the Major League All Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan"
God and Man
God created the mule and told him: "You will be mule,
working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy
loads on your back. You will eat grass and you will
lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is
too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog and told him: "You will hold
vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his
greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live
for 25 years." And the dog responded: "Lord, to live
25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey and told him: "You are the monkey.
You will swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You
will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the
monkey responded: "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of
the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than
10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him: "You are Man, the only
rational being that walks the earth. You will use your
intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world.
You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the
man responded: "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the
15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And it was so.
And God made Man to live 30 years as a man, then marry and live
20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.
Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding
his house and eating leftovers after they empty the pantry; then,
in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a fool
to amuse his grandchildren. And it was so.
*****************************************************************************
BEAUTY TIPS from Audrey Hepburn:
The following poem is quoted from
"Audrey Hepburn" by Barry Paris, (c)1996 Putnam
She read it to children for inspiration
For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes,
seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure,
share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair,
let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise,
walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone...
People, even more than things,
have to be restored, renewed, revived,
reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed ...
Never throw out anybody. Remember, if you ever need a
helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands.
One for helping yourself, the other for helping others".
UNDERSTANDING AND WRITING SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH PAPERS
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help
you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine.
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working
on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE
QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get
it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The
other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get
around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... once
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE
FINDINGS"... A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were
obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A
COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS"... I don't
understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand
it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND
TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the
work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally
useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION
IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've
got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying
about a stupid burned out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's
not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll
do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails
will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi tzu: Puh leeze, dah ling. Let the servants. . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while
he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet
in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on
the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I
just ate was a light bulb?
INTERPRETING LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION
(also useful for when you need to choose
just the right words)
ACME, INC.
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing this letter to commend the services of
my former employee, Mr. John Smith.
I most enthusiastically recommend this person
with no qualifications whatsoever.
(That is, "This person HAS no qualifications whatsoever.")
I'm sorry we let him get away,
(What he means: "We should have prosecuted.")
for Mr. Smith is not your average, everyday worker.
("Every OTHER day, maybe.")
You won't find many people like him.
("Most people can't stand him at all.")
Whenever he was asked to do anything,
it only took a second to get it done.
("A second person, that is.")
You can ask him to do anything, and he won't mind.
("He won't DO it, but he won't mind you asking.")
Mr. Smith was always asking if there was anything he could do.
("We were always wondering that, too.")
Given the opportunity, I am certain that Mr. Smith will
quickly forge a name for himself within your company.
("Don't leave any blank checks lying around.")
You will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.
("Unfortunately, we couldn't get him to work for us!")
All in all, I cannot recommend Mr. Smith too highly.
("In fact, I cannot recommend Mr. Smith at all.")
Sincerely,
Wyle E. Coyote, President,
ACME, Inc.
Big Rocks
One day an expert in time management was speaking to a group
of business students and, to drive home a point, used an
illustration those students will never forget. As he stood
in front of the group of high powered overachievers he said,
"Okay, time for a quiz." The he pulled out a one gallon,
wide mouth mason jar and set it on the table in front of him.
Then he produced about a dozen fist sized rocks and carefully
placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was
filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he
asked, "Is this jar full?"
Everyone in the class said,"Yes."
Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled
out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and
shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves
down into the space between the big rocks.
Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this
time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them
answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and
brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in
the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the
rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question,
"Is the jar full?"
"No!" the class shouted. Once again he said "Good." Then he
grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the
jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and
asked, "What is the point of this illustration?"
One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no
matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you
can always fit some more things into it!"
"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth
this illustration teaches us is: if you don't put the big
rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."
What are the 'big rocks' in your life? Time with your loved
ones? Your faith, your education, your dreams? A worthy
cause? Teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these
BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all.
So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on
this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the
'big rocks' in my life? Then, put those in the jar first...
DON'T SQUAT WITH YOUR SPURS ON:
A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE
Don't never interfere with something that ain't
botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.
There's more ways to skin a cat than stickin' his
head in a boot jack and jerkin' on his tail.
Some ranchers raise pigs and some will even
admit it. Either way, they're raisin' pigs.
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still
warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swallow.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do
is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it
probably ain't.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably
watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew. Your
mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Generally, you ain't learnin' nothin'when your
mouth is a jawin'.
Tellin'a man to go to hell and makin'him do it
are two entirely different propositions.
Generally speakin', fancy titles and nightshirts
are a waste of time.
Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back
every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you're gonna go ... go like hell. If your mind's
not made up, don't use your spurs.
For those of you not ready to settle into work today,
Andychap sends a version of the classic:
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Sanity,
And Drive Other People Insane:
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair
dryer at passing cars, to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
3. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same
outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
4. Send e mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're
doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
6. Insist that your e mail address be xena goddess of fire@GHC.com
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with that.
8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair dancing.
9. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN"
10. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers
11. Send e mail message that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc,
in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing
there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be
faster than that."
12. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
13. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for Bribes
and Favors"
14. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what you think"
15. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
16. Dont use any punctuation
17. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
18. Ask people what sex they are.
19. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
20. Five days in advance, tell your friends that you can't attend
their party because you're not in the mood.
21. And the final way to annoy people: send this to everyone in your
address book 5 times, even if they sent it to you or have asked
you not to send them stuff like this.
:: ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK ::
1. Plan Ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might
ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage.
8. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
9. If you can't fight or flee float!
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the
Titanic was built by professionals.
12. Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger
threat than the storm on the outside.
13. Don't miss the boat.
14. No matter how bleak it looks, there's likely
to be a rainbow on the other side. Look for it!
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.....I am helpless;
it isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place;
but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in....it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down a different street.
And totally unrelated, here are some new country songs
"Ever since we got that waterbed,
we've been slowly drifting apart."
"When they operated on Dad,
they opened up mother's male."
"Let me call you sweetheart
because I can't remember your name."
"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"
"She Wouldn't Let Me Kiss Her in the Canoe
So I Had to Paddle Her Back.
This is how we talk in the land Down Under.........
by Ozmurt
G'day mate ! I have attempted to explain our language.
Now if you are offended easy may I suggest you get your
arse out of here now. If not I hope you enjoy.
G'day mate = Plesed to make your acquaintance.
Aussie = Australian, dinky di aussie, true blue.
Pommie = Englishman
Yank = American, Septic
You little ripper! = Words of praise, good on ya, well done.
Go on = I'm not entirely convinced you know what your
talking about.
Bloody Oath = In total agreeance with you.
Brew = Coffee
Roo,Boomer = Kangaroo
Arvo = Afternoon
Fair Dinkum = True, honest, real, Is that right.
Crust = To earn money, living, dough, job.
Mate = Friend, cobber, pal, buddy.
Tinny = Can of beer.
You Drongo = An idiot, dimwitted person.
Whadayawant = May I enquire about your needs?
Your shout = Your turn to buy the next round of drinks.
Cool Banana's = Great, everythings fine, cool, fantastic.
No Worries = Everything will be okay, not a problem.
Shelia = Girl, woman, female.
Pissed = Drunk, blind, plastered, smashed, intoxicated.
Hit the frog and toad = To get going, leave, hit the road.
Brown nosing = Sucking up to the boss.
Bob's your Uncle = No worries, she'll be right.
Righto = No worries, yes, okay.
Dead horse = Tomato sauce.
Sanga = Sandwich
Snag = Sausage
Billy lids = Children, kids.
Bread winner = Who earns the money in the family.
Water the horse = Men say this when they are going to the toilet.
Vegemite = A black yeast extract, spred on bread or toast.
Drop your guts = Someone who has just farted, passed wind.
Ridgey Didge = Speaking the truth, real, fair dinkum.
Hooroo = Good bye, see ya.
Dummy = Baby pacifer or could mean being stupid, silly.
Dunny = Toilet, loo, throne.
Fair crack of the whip = Settle down, calm down, enough is enough.
Shit the bed = When someone gets up early which is unusual for them,
arrive early when normaly late.
Hit the fart sack = Male say this when going to bed.
Dad and Dave = Having a shower and a shave.
Nackered = Stuffed, tired, buggered.
Hair of the dog = An alcohlic drink, taken for a hangover,
usually first thing in the morning.
Thingamebob = An item, object, when you forget the name of the object.
Spit the dummy = Throw a tantrum
Barbie = A get together of family and friends and cook on the BBQ.
You Know You're A Queensland Public Servant When...
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learn about your layoff on 7 Nightly News.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the ADG's and everything above So1 are higher than all th
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